Humor of the Day: Snow Fall

Though I started this post last week, I've decided to "publish" it as opposed to having it sit in my blog archives.

It's been a rather humorless few days lately and though I've tried to look around and find something that made me laugh or smile, I've come up short. Maybe I need to call my mom again :-)

But, earlier today, I finally did "stumble" across something that brought a smile to my face: I was reading the Cornell Sun online (the daily newspaper at Cornell) and I read about the large amount of snow that Cornell received the other night. That in and of itself is hardly humorous, but what made me laugh where the two students who were interviewed about the snowfall. They both lamented on the fact that they saw very few students "wipe-out" or fall in the snow.

And, that disappointed them. It would have disappointed me, too.

It made me laugh to know that I am not the only person who, in a warped way, enjoys seeing people fall. No, no...it's not that I am hoping to see anyone get hurt; it's just that because falling is one of the most spontaneous things that can happen, it is funny (often hysterical) on a "physical" level. But, what I find even funnier than the actual fall, is the reaction of the faller and/or those who witnessed the fall. It's often priceless.

As a veteran of many falls (broken bones and all), I still laugh when I think back to some of my finer moments. There's the time I stumbled down the steps in our house, landed in a big heap at the bottom, called for Ed and ended up sitting there alone laughing. Evidently, the rest of the family, who was so engrossed in playing "Zelda" in the bonus room never even heard my plea for help. Lauren later said "she thought she heard a loud "thump" but wasn't really sure. Yes Lauren, that thump was me.

Or, there was my infamous fall in Washington, DC as we darted past the Lincoln Memorial to catch our site-seeing trolley. Fortunately, it was a night tour and no one other than my kids (and Mr. Lincoln) witnessed the tumble. All I remember is hearing Philip say to Lauren "I think Mom fell, but just keep running." After getting up and brushing myself off, I walked on to the trolley as though my land-dive had never occurred. And, I proceeded to laugh about my fall the rest of the tour. I'm sure the other tour patrons wondered what could possibly be so hysterical about the Viet Nam memorial.

But, my Grand Champion of falls occurred when I, too, was in college. And, I think that's why I found the quotes in the Cornell Sun so amusing.

As a grad student at RPI, I was rushing to class one day in the middle of winter. No sooner was I smack, dead center in front of the main entrance to the Student Union - the busiest place on campus - when I slipped on some ice and wiped-out. I landed on my back, laid there dazed for a moment until I heard a male voice say "RPI was founded in 1824 by Stephen Van Rensselaer..."

As I looked to my right, I saw the student tour guide, walking slowly backwards (as all college tour guides do), and the mass of people on his tour were starting to move closer to my spot of impact. At that moment, not even a broken vertebrate in my back could have prevented me from leaping up off the ground. Yet, before continuing on my way, I first did the obligatory "pavement scan," which most fallers do after rising from a wipe-out. This, of course, is to give the perception that there must be something wrong with the ground and that's what caused the fall.

And while I don't remember ever seeing an article in the RPI newspaper about students wiping-out in the snow, I can only hope that my plunge does not remain as vivid of a memory for anyone who witnessed it that day as it does for me.

Yet, if it does, it pleases me to know that I did not disappoint: there's nothing better than witnessing a good Snow Fall....lol

Humor of the Day: No Dummies Allowed

Today I came home from work and told Ed that I was going to buy a reference book for Word 2010. My new work laptop has this latest version of Word on it and while I know Word fairly well, I am having a bit of trouble finding options easily, etc. I did a brief amount of research and discovered that the "Word 2010 for Dummies" book was rated quite well. It seemed like a no-brainer to me that I would buy this book and keep it for quick reference.

When I told Ed my plan, his reaction baffled me, but it also made me laugh. He thought it was a horrendous idea for me to buy a "Dummy" book. It would tarnish my image at work as the documentation "expert."

Huh?

He proceeded to tell me that if co-workers saw me referencing a Dummy book, they would think I didn't know anything at all. I laughed and said that was ridiculous and on the contrary, having a "Dummy" book would just emphasize the confidence I have in my skills. I didn't have to worry about "appearances" or "perceptions". We debated the issue for a few minutes and Ed assured me that he would help find me a "professional" Word book. I told him I had absolutely no interest in buying the Albert Einstein Word reference guide, with insider tips/tricks for developers to code macros, plug-ins, blah blah.

But, because I was still baffled by Ed's reaction, I decided to get an objective opinion from Philip. I knew that Philip would agree with me and say "if the Dummy book works for you, go for it." I sent him a text and told Ed that Philip's response would be the deciding factor in my decision.

The verdict read as follows:

Dummy Book: 1 vote
Professional Book: 2 votes

And so now, I am the proud owner of "Word 2010 In Depth." Not only is the name impressive, but the book looks professional and sleek. A geek's treasure.

After buying the book and thinking about it, I've decided that "maybe" there is some merit in what Ed/Philip said. I came to this conclusion when I envisioned myself walking into the office of the Chief Medical Officer and seeing the book "Medicine for Dummies" on her desk. Hmmmm......

Evidently, work is not a place for Dummies.....lol

Humor of the Day: None...Black Tuesday...RIP Rob

Earlier today, I was struggling with an idea to blog about. Unfortunately, the past few days have been rather humorless. Yet, around mid-day I did find something that brought a smile to my face and at lunch, I started a new post. I figured I would complete it tonight. Wrong.

I just received a call from a former Verizon co-worker and she informed me that one of our fellow co-workers was murdered Monday morning. He was shot in the head and his house was then burned-down. I'm in shock.

Rob was one of the most laid-back, left-over hippie types, who opposed all things violent. For him to face such a violent death is ironic. And, so very sad.

Rob was also an avid runner and would go for daily runs with our boss Zvi and fellow buddy Mehrdad. One of my most vivid memories of Rob was a discussion we were having about running. Mehrdad was telling me that running "2 miles on the treadmill" was barely worth it - hardly a workout. Rob piped in and said "That's ridiculous...any run you do on the treadmill is worth it. Go for it."

I'll always remember Rob's encouraging words.

Humor of the Day: Spell It for Me

I already know there is no way that this post can possibly due justice to the conversation I just had with my mother. This conversation did not make me smile nor did it make me laugh.
It made me HOWL in hysterics. In fact, my laughing caused such a commotion that Lauren came downstairs to see what was going on (was there a mouse downstairs?) and Ed, in typical Ed fashion, put his earplugs in so he could tune me out and watch whatever it was he was watching on the computer.

As part of the weekly conversation with my mom, I mentioned that the Senior Prom drama with Lauren had begun: we had started shopping, the kids were picking limos and party buses. And already, there was lots of drama.

"What kind of drama can there be with a prom?" she wanted to know. I explained that Lauren's friends had gotten a party bus ("Are you sure that is safe?"), there were kids on the waiting list ("How much does each kid pay for this bus?") and that Lauren thought her party bus was filled with a lot of "boring" kids ("What kind of kids?")

Again, I repeated "BORING kids" to which she replied "I'm still not understanding you."

BORING kids-- you know - kids that aren't as fun as other kids.

"I can't catch what you are saying. I told you I have been having trouble hearing lately."

BORING...BORING...when someone isn't fun...BORING.

"Can you spell it for me?"

Of course, at this point, I am starting to laugh louder and each time I tried to spell the word boring, I got no further than the "b-o" and would then convulse into laughter.

"I am still not getting what you are spelling...keep spelling it"

"B-O-R"......and again, I would begin to gasp for air as I tried to continue spelling.

After about the 3rd attempt, my mom said "Oh, BLIND kids...her party bus is full of BLIND kids?"

"WHHHHHAATTTTT? Where did you get that? I did not say blind. Why would Lauren's bus be filled with blind kids?" Her friends are not Helen Keller and she does not attend a school for the visually impaired."

Next week, I think I'll try a Skype session with my mom and revert to sign language....it can only improve our communication .... lol

Humor of the Day: OCD...Only Certain Digits

I remember the day I diagnosed myself with OCD. I laughed about it that day and yesterday, my OCD brought yet another smile to my face.

My self diagnosis of OCD occurred one evening when I went to the Danbury mall with my friend Lisa and our kids (Lauren and Madison). Because Lisa thinks I am an irresponsible driver, she usually drives on our outings. On this particular night, Lisa stopped for gas, filled up the gas tank, got back in the car and drove away.

No sooner had she pulled out of the gas station and I said to her "why did you do that?" She replied "What?" I said "you bought $32.23 worth of gas." And her reply to that was "Yea..and?"

I was beyond horrified; I could not imagine why she didn't slowly pump the gas until the dollar amount read "32.25 --or optimally $32.50." As I told Lisa that night, I found it so "disturbing" that she would just leave the dollar amount on an odd number. Lisa, in turn, found my OCD tendencies equally odd - but laughable.

Yesterday, I was at All Sport (a place the seems to be a haven for humorous moments) and I was running on a treadmill next to another woman. At the end of her workout, I glanced at her treadmill and her vital stats were:

Time elapsed: 26:42
Miles: 1.91
Calories: 343

As she got off the treadmill, I wanted to say to her "NO, NO..COME BACK...YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE TREADMILL WITH THOSE NUMBERS ON IT." Was she crazy? At the very least, she needed to come back and round the mileage up to an even 2.0. I found myself staring at her numbers and thinking "how could she do that?" and then I laughed. Because I realized that she was not crazy at all; I was the crazy one. I was the one afflicted with OCD of the "Only Certain Digits" variety.

Evidently, I have a very complex set of internal rules about what numbers may/may not be left on the treadmill display (or gas tank). I tried explaining my rules to Lauren last night and it went something like this:

• Any number without trailing digits is good ($32.00, 2.0 miles)
• Any even or odd number followed by a digit that ends in "5" or "0" is good ($32.25, 3.30 miles)
• Any 2 or 3 digit number whose last digit is "5" or "0" is perfect (345 calories, 360 calories)

These are all number combinations that make sense to me or do not disturb me. Sometimes, if I am having a really lucky day, all the right numbers show up, in all the right places, at all the right times.

And that's what I consider a lucky day because there's nothing better than winning the "OCD Jackpot of the day" ....lol

Humor of the Day: Flowers down..towards me..happy on 3

Last night, I received a a very odd phone call, which, after I hung up, made me laugh. When I answered the phone, a woman with a Southern accent asked for Diane. When I told her she was speaking with Diane, she proceeded to tell me that her name was Doneta (?) and she was the photographer from my wedding.

I could not imagine why, after 25 years, the photographer from my wedding was calling me. Had she secretly, years later, entered me in the Bridezilla competition and was calling to say I was a winner?

She continued to say that she believed she had photographed my wedding to Ed Crawford, which took place in High Point, NC. Because I have inherited both my mother's superstitious gene and her suspicious gene, I immediately said "No, I don't think so" because in reality, I had gotten married in Greensboro, NC.

But, because I also inherited my mother's inquisitive gene, I couldn't just let the conversation die. So, I said "Well, if I were the Diane, who married Ed Crawford, in NC....why are you calling?"
She said that she had records indicating I had married Ed Crawford, in 1986, at Temple Beth El.

Knowing that she had the correct information, I 'fessed up and and said "Ok, I think you may have photographed my wedding." Was she now going to tell me that she had proof that the rabbi who performed our service was a fraud and I wasn't really married after all these years?

Interesting theory, but no.....she said that she had closed her photography studio and for $50.00 plus $3.85 tax, I could have the negatives to all my wedding photographs stored in a bank deposit box. If I didn't choose that option, my negatives would be shredded to ensure that "no one else would have access to them." I opted to have the negatives shredded.

This all sounded so strange to me and in retrospect, I really wish I had asked her to repeat the "mantra" that she used over and over and over each time she took my photo that day. If she replied "Flowers down, towards me, happy on 3", then I would have know she was indeed the woman who photographed my wedding!

Also in retrospect, I really wish I had said something along the lines of .... "Well, I am the Diane you are looking for, I did marry Ed Crawford in 1986, but I am now on husband #3...so shred those photos"....lol

Humor of the Day: Oy Vey and Evil Eyes

Yesterday was a fairly humourless day; there wasn't anything notable that made me laugh or smile. Hence, I am relying on a conversation I had with my mother a few days ago that definitely made me laugh (the truth is, most of my conversations with my mother make me laugh for one reason or another).

I had called my mom and was telling her about my friend Irene's father and that he died. I then proceeded to tell her about my friend Lisa's mom who has Alzheimer's and was going to be placed in a nursing home. No sooner had I relayed that information, when I somehow managed to mention that Lisa's son Ty (10 yrs old) has a best friend with cancer.

At that point, my mother stopped me and said "Oy Vey...you are full of good news today." Then, she said "wait, let me find my evil eye." I said "your WHAT?" She said "My evil eye...the one I bought in Greece. The Greeks believe that if you wear it, it will ward off any evil spirits...hold on."

So there I sat, on a long distance call, my allocated monthly minutes ticking away, while my mom hunted for her evil eye. Fortunately, she didn't have to hunt hard and long for her evil eye, because it was on top of her TV (where all good Greeks probably keep their evil eyes).

She then said "one second...I am pinning it on me. Ok, now I'm safe....what were you saying about Ty's friend?"

And my kids wonder why I am so superstitious????.....lol