Although one of my mother's favorite mantras is "life is not fair," I decided that in all fairness to my mom, I would dedicate this blog piece to her. Seeing that I dedicated a piece about her sister Frances, it only seems fitting that I would write about my mom as she turns 80 on April 28th.
Yes Mom, I did just publish your age for all the world to see.
Throughout the years, there have been numerous "Humor of the Day" episodes with my mom. And, as she reaches this milestone, I compiled a list of the past events that have made me smile or laugh. The list was very long and could fill many blog posts, so I thought about it and decided to pick my top 5 favorites. It wasn't an easy decision; there were many finalists. But, in the end, these are your top 5 "Humor of the Day" episodes Mom.
"Redheads Cannot be Redbirds"
When I was in first grade, I had the opportunity to be cast as a "Red Bird" in our school play. Thrilled to be cast as a "Red Bird" (and not the rooster), I rushed home to tell my mother the exciting news.
But, much to my dismay, my mother did not share my enthusiasm. Instead of running out to buy material for my costume, she quickly made an appointment to meet with my first grade teacher, Miss Searfoss.
At this meeting, my mother explained to Miss Searfoss that the one cardinal rule (no pun intended) of raising redheads is "Redheads do not wear red. Ever." Because the costume would clash with my hair, my mother requested (insisted?) that I be a "Blue Bird" instead.
I'm certain Miss Searfoss did not find this as entertaining as I now do, but it's safe to say that my Hollywood career may have been cut short because I wasn't allowed to make my debut performances as a Red Bird.
"Yes, We Have Towels"
This "Humor of the Day" episode occurred one year as we were making our annual summer visit to my Uncle Philip's farm in Canada.
Each year, as we approached the Canadian border, my father would recite the "Border Rules." And each year, he would say the following:
-"When we get to the border and the Customs official comes to the car, I will do all of the talking."
-"Everyone in the car shall remain quiet during the questioning."
-"Does everyone understand the rules?"
And each year, there would be a resounding "Yes" to his final question.
Yet, evidently, in this particular year, 3 of the 4 members of my family understood the rules. But, clearly, one family member did not.
Similar to the Passover question "Why is this night different from all other nights?" -- I asked myself "Why is this year different from all other years?" when I heard my mother blurt "Yes, we have towels" when the Customs official asked if we had anything to "declare."
Had it not been for the fact that my father simultaneously said "No" to the Customs official at precisely the exact moment of my mother's confession, this episode might not have been so amusing to me.
Nevertheless, none of us were amused when the Customs official had us pull our car over to the designated "criminal parking area" so we could be investigated further.
Suffice it to say that this was the last conversation my mother ever had with a Customs official.
" 101 Uses for Duco Cement"
As a kid, I never knew what to expect when I came home from school. It was always an adventure.
There was the time I came home from school and found my mother eyebrow-less and eyelash-less because she singed them lighting the pilot light on our oven. Or, the time I came home to a house smelling of smoke because my mother decided to burn her old checks in the fireplace, but neglected to open the "damper." Who knew you had to open the damper? (What's the damper?) And then, there was the time I came home and the glass piece from our coffee table was standing upright in the living room because my mom tried to lift it (despite my father' warnings of "never try to lift that glass") and discovered it really was too heavy to put back in place.
But, this "Humor of the Day" incident occurred one day when I came home from school and my mother excitedly showed me her artistic achievement of the day. In retrospect, it rivaled anything I've ever seen on Martha Stewart.
Growing impatient because my father had not yet hung a picture on the wall, my mother decided to take matters into her own hands. How difficult could it be to hang a picture on the wall she wondered. Not very difficult at all if you own Duco cement.
For those not familiar with Duco cement, think "Super Glue."
Being the perfectionist that he was, I was never quite sure if my father's anger stemmed from the fact that my mother cemented the picture to the wall --or --that she cemented it to the wall crooked!
"Please Write it Down"
When I was 13 years old, my family moved from the Bronx to North Carolina. While this was no laughing matter, I have a very vivid "Humor of the Day" episode that occurred shortly after we moved.
It was a brutally hot, summer day so my mother, sister and I went to an ice cream shop to get three cones. After handing us the cones, the waitress looked at my mom and said in a slow, Southern drawl "Ma'am that will be ...."
My mother, sister and I all looked at each other and wondered what foreign language she could possibly be speaking.
My mother replied "Excuse me, can you please repeat that?" Again, the waitress spoke a language that seemed foreign to us.
My mother looked at my sister and I and said "Do you understand what she is saying?" As my sister and I nodded our heads "no," we slowly inched toward the exit door. There was nothing good that could come from this potentially embarrassing situation. A quick exit might be in order.
After several more interludes of "she said", "she didn't understand," my mother said "I am sorry. I just moved here from NY and I don't understand your accent. Can you please write the amount down on a piece of paper?"
Emergency exit.
And, if my memory serves me right, the three cones came to a total of 35 cents. Now that's something to laugh about!
"Congested"
The final "Humor of the Day" incident that I chose to write about occurred one summer when my mom came to watch my kids. And my cat, Merlin.
I was at work when my mother called me and said "Merlin sounds congested."
"What does a congested cat sound like," I asked? She replied that he sounded stuffy. She went on to add that Merlin sounded like Philip did when his asthma flared up.
I asked my mom a few more questions and she said "Well, Merlin is sitting next to me, I am petting him and he keeps making a noise."
"That would be called purring, Mom."
Thanks for the laughs Mom and Happy 80th Birthday!!!
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